8 Months Later…

December 6th, 2010 by Athena

So.. uhm.. hi.

It’s been a while, hasn’t it? I feel sort of like a mother bird coming back to her nest to find that all her babies have grown and flown the nest. Though without so much aging taking part.

What has changed in eight months? Well, thank goodness I’m not pregnant, and I have a new boyfriend that I’ve been seeing for about three months this past Saturday. We’re past the honeymoon phase, have our fights here and there, but I love him. He makes me feel safer than I’ve felt in… if not my entire life, then in a very, very long time. His name is Mike, but I also call him Sir. He’s my Dominant, and I’m his submissive, though he always likes telling people very frankly that we’re equals. Dominance and submission are just parts of our relationship, and it makes me happy to think we’re only beginning to set out on discovering just how far the rabbit hole between us goes…

And I’m back in school, which is probably the greatest triumph I’ve pulled off. Last Spring, I applied for readmission, and here I am, doing better than I ever thought I could and being able to sustain the intensity that I remember having in my younger years. I’m taking five courses next semester, and plan to take two courses in the summer to cover my general education requirements so they don’t take time out of my busy schedule. I’m starting a track in Hindi next semester, and plan to apply to go to Bangladesh via a government-funded program so that I can finally formally learn Bengali. Also, learning it in the country where my parents grew up would be… beyond amazing. Seeing myself succeed in school in and of itself is a clear indication that my life is better. It only got better when I reentered the BDSM scene and met Mike for the very first time. Like the flirt I can be in the right company, I remember hitting on him just as soon as I learned his name. He made me laugh from our very first date, and he has never stopped. Even when we’re both feeling down together, he goes the extra mile to make me laugh, even if I just want to be upset and don’t especially feel in the mood for laughter. He is so unlike any of the men I have known — he is actually mindful of what he says, even though sometimes he doesn’t think before he speaks. He always makes up for it, and we communicate better than I even imagined I could in any romantic relationship. Also, our relationship is open; I don’t have any other partners, but he has a secondary girlfriend and an extremely sometime boyfriend. I don’t think he’s seen the boyfriend since before he and I met, and they’ve only talked online since Mike and I started dating regularly. My only complaint with Mike/Sir (if you really can classify it as such) is that we don’t spend nearly enough time together. He is the first person that has made me feel special regardless of whether he’s with me or not; he makes me feel special on my own by remarking how lucky he was to get to know me and fall in love with me. I’ve never had a partner that I could be so effortlessly mine in front of. We laugh at each other’s bodily functions, and we brush each other’s tears away when they happen. We communicate when one or both of us is upset, and we know things about each other that are deeply intimate. We both know there are things about each other that each of us is not going to tell the other, and that’s okay. We accept each other as we are… which I marvel at every single day I hear his voice.

The only thing that was missing in my life was writing. I love writing, seeing the words float across the page is the most freeing thing in the world to me. It’s like watching an idea evolve into an entire world, with its own inhabitants who have their own dreams and so on and so forth. Also, the suggestion that I write something for Mike’s mother for Christmas makes the writing itch even more intense. So, I’m reviving this blog with the intent of blogging whenever I have time, want to take note of something remarkable that occurred in one of my classes or everyday life, or perhaps if I find another book of writing prompts. Those are always a lot of fun.

Anyway, I suppose I should work on brainstorming ideas for the boyfriend’s mother’s Christmas present. I think I want to do something cutesy – maybe something involving her dog, Scooter. Scooter is one of those dogs that you think you could punt if he didn’t growl every time you approached him from a slightly strange angle. He’s cute, but I’ve become not overly fond of yappy small dogs that aren’t especially bright. But who knows, we’ll see just what I come up with.

Good to write this early in the morning/late at night again. I missed this. The click of my fingers on the keyboard used to fill my days and nights. Now, it will be the icing on my cake.

I really could not ask for a better life (unless you counted being accepted to medical school). Goodnight, blog. Until… sooner rather than later.

Memento. 18+

April 3rd, 2010 by Athena

It’s so late that the very top of the sun is visible in the just-detectable dawn. My legs are like a jigsaw puzzle, folded into and around the black skirt that’s ever so convenient, and the familiar hunger surfaces. My body is short and round, like a ball, but still there is a short distance available for my hands to run down my thighs and calves. I know what I want, but there’s only a flicker left.

You said you’d given it to me, as much as someone can give another person a video made by a third party unknown to the two of them. But as I indulged in it more and more, the thought took hold that this might be your way of saying goodbye. Your way of ending the phone calls, the letters, and the descriptions that would make me moan, whimper, shudder, cry, and come. I’ve always been your submissive, but something about this doesn’t feel right. Something about this makes me feel like my submission has not been a gift, but rather an amusement. I’m a rational woman — I know we couldn’t continue forever — but I was hoping that I would get to hear your voice creeping down my neck, almost touching me as I performed for you at least a few more years.

But unexpectedly, all I have of you is this memento. The woman talking into the phone, like I used to do, while the person on the other end told her to do some of the most lascivious actions that would ultimately lead to such full-bodied satisfaction. I buck my hips against myself now, feeling the familiar and sweet pressure of my own bodily responses, but the taste in my mouth is bitter. I know that I can never trust anyone like I did you again. I can’t give them my submission, a gift that I prided myself in dispensing freely, otherwise I’ll end up with a closet full of mementos. I will never know the touch of someone’s skin on my arse, and never know the grip of hands around the fine strands of my hair. I hate that my trust has doomed me to the restricted range of sensation that I will experience in my sexual life, lived on my fingers which do so many other things when clean and free from lust.

But then again, I tend to do things that make me hate myself, so I guess I wouldn’t be doing anything out of the ordinary.

The sky is rosy now, and my legs have closed, tired of the amusement which I have to put myself through. I want more, but the matter of getting it is entirely different. We all want the world, but have to content ourselves with what our reality offers us.

Soon enough, I’ll forget the video. It will lose its way in the myriad of sexual deviancy known as the internet. And I’ll forget you.

#23: Sitting in the Coffee Shop today –

February 15th, 2010 by Athena

I am sandwiched between two groups of people; one set is a group of women, entirely blonde, dressed as much as borderline college women can be for the winter, but their heels still click against the wooden floor of the coffee shop. They’re discussing, only marginally, it seems, a Powerpoint that has to do with a business presentation. When they all seem to come to a consensus about something, one girl writes it down on her copy of the Powerpoint. It’s staggering how blonde they all are; with the former frequency of them, it’s no wonder men think women should be suitably stupid.

The people on the other side of me are a father and presumably his young daughter. I cannot help but wonder why a man would give such a small child, still growing and with string blonde hair, coffee. Does she have a dissertation to complete already? Is she the kind with ADHD where caffeine puts her to sleep, much to her father’s relief?

The coffee shop is bustling today; there’s a day off at the university for Presidents’ Day, so there must also be a game. Or maybe parents are visiting, or maybe students are packed in to finish homework a day delayed. The parent and child have left now, almost as if the father saw my pen moving so quickly and worried. Now a laptop is propped up on the circular table; he might be a graduate student or a post-doc. We’re all here to work on something.

I look at one of the empty chairs discarded, and I think about someone coming in from the cold — just having quickly eaten a large meal, their first in a very long time. He might stand in line, along with people who want their afternoon pick-me-up, and his epiglottis might fail. I can already hear the footsteps of the intrepid, young, scruffy barista. All the students around me would gasp, afraid to handle the so obviously homeless man for fear of contagion. But much to Doctor Heimlich’s delight, the barista would save the man’s life using his maneuver. It would probably make the campus paper, though the small time hero isn’t a student.

The first thing I realize, even when I’m not necessarily paying full attention, is that students and the young here somehow ignore and try to ‘keep their hands’ clean of those who are left homeless. I think that part of the process of growing up is realizing that your fears are just that — your fears — and you need to confront them, otherwise they’ll be there forever. And those who confront them head on are often rewarded with notoriety they never asked for and are completely out of place with their usual set of activities. Heroes are found in the ordinary, and as soon as people start realizing this, we’ll have more people who actually take a stand, not just click their heels and drink overpriced and weak coffee.

#22: Detail to Abstract, Abstract to Detail.

February 15th, 2010 by Athena

“Thank you.”

I handed her the bag, and I could barely keep my eyes open. I hadn’t slept in three days, and the effects were not looking good. I had craters under my eyes, and I could barely keep my pupils focused on anything for too long without wanting to drop off. I was surprised that my manager even deemed me fit to come to work that morning; in the mirror, I’d looked like death warmed over. It’d been a hard week – make that a hard life – lately, and as I got older, even just in my early twenties, it seemed to me that I showed my distress more and more through my face than anything else. I had successfully not yawned when handing her the bag of whatever it was she had bought, but I had to blink for momentary optical rest as I handed her the change from her twenty. She smiled at me, as I realized that she was probably a rich mother, buying a few things for her well-adjusted, educated children. This was a college town, after all, even though I’d lost the means to go there. And I constantly reminded myself, as I saw other twenty-somethings with their parents on the weekends, taking a break from studying with people who had raised them that they actually liked. A wave of jealousy came over me even as she smiled at me, and she must’ve sensed it. “Here,” her voice was as affectionately wrinkled as her face, but strong. “Take this.” I blinked, wearily looking at what was in her hand. It was a fifty; with how work was going, I wasn’t going to make that even in one day. Everything was tight. Nothing met like it used to, so easily and neatly like the corners of a quilt when I folded the linens at home for my own parents, a millions years ago. I parted my dry and nearly immobile lips to say thank you as I gently took the extra cash, but her smile curled warmly before I could. “Don’t say a thing. I wish my children had as much life in them as is in your face.”

~~~~~

“I’m sorry.”

Somehow it didn’t mean anything. We are always trained to automatically say, “It’s okay” or just shrug at things that should offend us. We learn to lie to people about when and how we’re upset, and how to sit there and still put them first. We still, unfathomably, think about their feelings first and don’t have an appropriate outburst because of how it would affect them. Because he didn’t stop becoming someone I loved when he told me the truth. We all have failings, and he admitted his to me. It’s one of the reasons why I still love him, why we’re able to be great friends. But I still remember sitting by myself in that room, blinking at a confession that had been news to me and not everyone else, and wanting to break down. Wanting to tell him that he was a piece of shit for not telling you everything when you’d been so forthright with someone who lived across oceans and landmasses, in a world completely different from my own. I’d been a damaged girl, so young and naïve, wanting to believe that someone would accept me in the ways that my parents hadn’t. I wanted love, but before I knew all of what that meant, I fell in love with someone who fundamentally hurt me. But experience teaches us much, and in the end, the apology is part of the lesson. Knowing heartbreak, and knowing how to mend after the fact and stay friends and to some degree lovers, is an important lesson. Sometimes I just wish he hadn’t had to apologize in the first place.

~~~~~

“I didn’t mean to.”

My back burned as I lay partially on the ground and on the wall. She really had poor choice of when to play roughly sometimes, though it was no real fault of her own. She should’ve known better with her capriciousness, but what was done was done. I groaned as I lifted myself, and my back cried out in its own anthropomorphized way. She rushed over to me, her parents not yet realizing that our playing in the narrow corridor, just in front of the door of the bathroom and the guestroom I was using, had come to a painful and abrupt conclusion. I struggled to stand, but only with a hand on my lower back. I could only imagine that this was how older men and women felt when their backs were beginning to go. I groaned, not really because of the pain, but more because of what worse injuries for my back were to come. I rolled my eyes at her as she lent me a hand in assistance just before I’d made it up off the floor, and probably laughed at an inopportune time, wanting to make her feel less bad for her poor choice in tickling. “I know you didn’t,” I said whilst rubbing my sore muscles, “but you could have a little more foresight? That really did hurt.” I huffed at her, and tried to make sure that she felt the appropriate amount of bad for the injuries she caused me. But I knew it was an inevitable occurrence with her; she meant well, but something often didn’t connect in her brain. Though she was near genius IQ, the physicality of things and how they affected others did tend to escape her grasp on more than one occasion. But when it turned out to produce good ideas, I loved her for it.

~~~~~

I attempted to slam the refrigerator door, frustrated with not finding my favorites in there. What was the point of keeping something if it was gone without your consent? I growled in the kitchen, trying to do it quietly, but all the while wishing that my housemate could hear how angry I was getting over her latest transgression. We lived in a nice, large house, and it was just the two of us. Why did we keep getting into these tiffs over each other’s possessions? Certainly both of us had lots of space to keep our things, and things that were labeled were clearly owned by the person’s name they bore on them. But the only girl I lived with didn’t seem to grasp this simple concept. I’d written my name on a few boxes of my favorite Thai takeout, and when I’d looked for them a week later, they’d vanished even though I’d been saving them for the times I especially wanted Thai food. I got strange cravings in the middle of the night, and the morning they had vanished, I’d questioned her about their whereabouts.

“You put them where?” I remembered raising my eyebrow almost dangerously.

“In the trash.” Her voice was all matter-of-fact, it was almost like her observation of my anger meant nothing to her, or even less than nothing.

“Those were from my favorite Thai place! I have to go all the way back to get more. Why did you throw out what I wanted to eat?” I struggled not to yell as her facial expressions hardly changed, but all she could do before returning to bed was, “You weren’t going to anyway.”

~~~~~

Thick letters came for me in the mail. My stomach was doing stunts that the Cirque du Soleil would find truly impressive. They might want to draft it even before I finished opening these letters, finding out about my future. Two sets came, and they were all unnervingly thick, like bacon I’d had in New Zealand, steak in Texas, or homemade roast beef sandwiches. One set was from all the medical schools I’d applied to eagerly, wanting to pursue a career curing people and caring for them privately and publicly. It was what I had wanted since adolescence, and it had been what I’d been preparing for academically. I’d had my share of setbacks, just as anyone had, but I’d made sure that I’d cleaned up after myself and that my record was impeccable. With all my good reputation with professors, I’d convinced myself that I’d be a shoe-in for medical school and any specialization I wanted. But as I sat with all of these envelopes on my desk, I also faced another reality. I’d have to be paying for an extremely expensive education by taking out massive loans, and I’d very likely moving to at least another state. Letters came from several places in California, the one university in Seattle, and others in Colorado and Tennessee. My hands shook with anticipation as I arranged the numerous other envelopes neatly on the leather-covered top of my desk.

The other letters were from East Coast publishers, mainly ones in New York, about my first manuscript that I’d sent out. I didn’t know how to interpret a thick envelope versus a thin one in this case; this experience was unlike anything my parents had given me instruction in or wanted me to do with my life. But new had become exciting as I got older, and it was with these envelopes that I started the opening process of all of them. I grabbed the letter opener from the top drawer, and carefully tore open the tops of the sealed envelopes with surgical precision. I never thought so many acceptances would be so daunting. It was the classic case of too many choices being a bad thing for the consumer. My best friend came in from the other room, knowing I was agonizing over all the mail I’d just received, and she marveled at all of the good responses I’d gotten from both my favorite endeavors in life. “You’re so lucky. I only got one acceptance out of all the programs I applied to.” She put a hand on my shoulder. “Did you call your parents to tell them you won’t be here in-state anymore?”

“Somehow it didn’t mean anything.”

~~~~~

The hospital corridors are quiet. Most of the residents are either sleeping on their few spare moments, or they’re home like most reasonable people. I’ve never been a reasonable person, and though I’m not supposed to be around for once, all I can do is walk these corridors so I don’t have to fall asleep. The continuity and soothing colors of all the tiles and walls would put any normal hospital-goers to ease and immediate sleep, but since the hospital began my place of learning, its appearance made me alert. I focused on the things that I did everyday at the hospital that I would do again tomorrow, and I would try to forget today. The attending doctor had taken the time, despite his famously bad temper with what he called ‘youngsters’, to put his hand on my shoulders to soothe my anxieties about my first time doing time of death for an elderly patient. He’d been mine, but he’d been in the hospital for an age, it seemed to most, if not all the residents. I was devastated that it had to be my watch under which he died. Why couldn’t have I been older when I lost my first patient? Why couldn’t I go home and get sleep, which would undoubtedly help me do better with my work from now on? There was no one around me, only the ghosts from the faraway vital machines. So the only person I had to talk to was myself.

“I couldn’t do anything.”

#21: You wouldn’t believe what I dreamed last night…

February 15th, 2010 by Athena

This was a prompt done for a friend; they’ve definitely seen this, and I’m happy to report that they enjoyed it.. on their birthday no less! Hopefully you all enjoy this as much as they said they did.

I ran. All I could do was run, feeling the strength of my legs underneath me. The wind passed beneath them, and all I could think of was the moment when, in stop-motion photography, a horse’s legs were all suspended for less than a second above the earth, none of the hooves touching the air. My breath caught in my lungs, almost as if I were trying to make the most out of each breath as the oxygen nourished the blood that had no nutrients to deliver to the rest of my body. As my legs moved, I was almost simultaneously aware of the flow of blood through my veins, arteries, and capillaries. Everything seemed to move together, in one graceful motion, but I needed it to move faster. I wanted the ground beneath me to be pushed away by the force of my legs propelling my body forward; I wanted to fly without wings. The deep breaths I’d known in my daily running were helping me run as fast as I could, but I couldn’t fly. I cried out in futility, trying to pound against the hard – or soft, I couldn’t tell – surface that my body wasn’t allowed to leave. I felt like a female tennis player, crying out in agony and in a brutish manner when all around me was peace.

Every swing of my thighs and calves together was like a chord of music, but as I ran the music started more and more futile. I was running at my top speeds, running as fast as I possibly could. I was breathing like a marathon runner, after a lifetime of training and discipline, runs their finest race. My technique seemed unbeatable, but it seemed that everything I did was futile.

I was incredibly fast, but it was faster. I didn’t want to imagine how much faster or crueler this could be, so I did everything I could to dodge it. I used each breath more wisely, and almost pushed my diaphragm towards my hips with each breath. My body cried out as each breath inevitably became less effective, but I didn’t want to show it any mercy. I had to get away from the horrible thing that was chasing me that I couldn’t let get me. But it was already everywhere. Running was only fleeing the inevitable. It was all over me, seething on my skin and clothes, and even as my skin fell off in the natural course of things, the enemy I fled with my body was already hard at work invading it. My throat itched, the skin of my arms and legs slowly fell off, and my hair grew long and deader as I ran. It was no use; I couldn’t run from something that was already inside of me. My body wanted to be rid of it, though it was a part of it as well. It shook, convulsed, and writhed as I ran my body mercilessly ragged. There was no one chasing me, so I couldn’t look back at any daunting predator. It was the very life around me and on me that lived on me for its own survival that I wanted to escape.

I could almost see them; all those small creatures that could fit ten million billion of themselves on the simple head of a pin without being seen. My skin crawled, even as I was still running for want of something to do so I wouldn’t have to think about what had learned to live on me. Some of them were furry, others long and skinny – some had even learned to live on my eyelashes, eating up what little eyeliner or eye shadow I put on in the mornings. They ate, lived, and died right on my skin, and all I could think about was all the refuse they’d leave behind on me, just like we leave behind refuse in the course of our day-to-day lives as humans.

Somehow, enough of them had found me that I started to cringe as I observed the path my arms made in the air while I ran, still running, never slowing down to worry over all the things living for countless generations on my flesh. I didn’t want to feel my breath full of them, teeming like the lowest forms of organisms at the bottom of the sea, dirty and grimy with the decay water could cause. My arms were turning colors, almost like colonies of organisms had decided to terra-form me. It was an impossible mix of purple, green, and gray, and it made me want to vomit. I held it in, however green my face was turning in nausea to match the growing patches of color on my arm. What could I do? Could I really have no recourse but to realize that this was my fate – another unsavory fact of life? I didn’t want to; the mere thought of having to do so caused me to grow myself out by making my nauseated face and cheeks almost as vibrantly green as my arms were relentlessly becoming.

Finally, my body gave out, and I did everything not to fall to the ground as I spun on my heels. My body needed time and space to stop the force of inertia from continuing to act, and my forcing my body to stop running was against what it expected of me. So I swayed and staggered, trying to get my bearings. And when I finally felt where the ground was, the first thing my body saw fit to do was retch. It came and came and came, almost like a faucet that someone had turned on for a few seconds too long. The acid from my stomach burned my esophagus, but in a strange way I felt cleansed. I felt like all those organisms on my arms and face must’ve died with the force of that powerful expulsion. And true enough, I examined my quivering and panicky arms. They were their familiar color, fair and unharmed, and I could breathe for the first time before I woke up.

#20: Travels and Favourite Places.

February 11th, 2010 by Athena

I’ve been lucky enough, in terms of where I come from socioeconomically, to have a lot of traveling experiences with my family and by myself as well (though my family certainly doesn’t know about that!). So here are the places that I’ve spent time in whilst traveling; some of them aren’t included here for whatever reason, mostly because people need their privacy or the beauty of the place is too great for words. In any case, I hope you enjoy this small offering of what I’ve seen of the world. Hopefully, eventually, I’ll be able to put the names of more impressive places down in my notebook, but everything has its time and place.

Minneapolis/St. Paul, Minnesota

I was only here for a few hours, because of a layover on a flight to San Francisco to see a close friend. My first impression was obtained only from the airport, and the air from the crevices around the airplane that were exposed. The air was even more frigid than it was back home, and this was comparing the weather to the harsh Bostonian December. My back was frigid even through the thick fabric of my coat. Inside the airport, it gave me the impression of being highly commercial though it was very vast. I remember having to run to find the correct terminal in time, only allowing myself to go to the bathroom once I had found a ladies’ room near where I would board my flight. On the way to my terminal, I found that everything was very assuredly Christian and Christmas-oriented. I made no judgments about what kind of city this was, but I have to say that I have always found Midwestern accents somewhat grating, and overly flamboyant Christmas cheer kitschy. I was eager to finish the rest of my journey, to be sure. I didn’t even chance food, though it was very late – I remember that I just wanted to finish the rest of my trip and be at my destination safe and sound.

Los Angeles, California

The only part of Los Angeles that I saw was LAX – meaning, the airport. It was on the way to Hawaii, where we spent a good three weeks on vacation, and partly for my father’s business trip. The airport was highly sterile, and a mess of shops and terminals. It reminded me of the stereotype behind Los Angeles involving lack of depth and sheer vanity, and to this day it doesn’t stand out to me as much as the airport that I barely pay attention to — namely, Logan.

My father had an earlier flight out of LAX than my mother and I did, so I had to babysit her for something like three or four hours, and do everything so that I didn’t explode. My mother is one of the most pugilistic and argumentative people I have ever met, so I had to make a call back East to a friend of mine that I hadn’t talked to in a long while, but knew about the situation with my parents.  If I had ever been a smoker, I would’ve lit up and relieved the stress that was involved in getting my mother on the correct airplane, and making sure she filled out all the appropriate forms. There was a good amount of paperwork about what we might be bringing into or out of the country, and I wanted us to get it right so we would not be held over in any amount of customs. I’d heard many nightmares from my brother when he went through customs on his way to Costa Rica; I didn’t want to relive that with a belligerent mother in tow. Thankfully, everything went off without a hitch, and I could bury myself in a book on the flight, so my mother was forced to either talk to herself or amuse herself in some other way. Thank god for literature.

Seattle, Washington

Seattle was my first trip alone; it was sometime during the spring of 2006 or 2007. I went there to meet one of my best friends, Rochelle, so we could go to an Anime convention together. We’d only been talking for about six months or so before we made definite plans to meet, but I felt like I’d known her forever. We fell into friendship very easily, and I can still remember that I was exhausted, nervous, and a bit disoriented by the airport that was planned very differently from the Logan Airport from which I had traveled. Before I had the chance to find Rochelle, she had tackled me in the baggage claim where I retrieved my only suitcase. It was one of the most wonderful, though wholly unexpected, greetings that I’ve ever received. The first thing that struck me about her was her height; she easily made me into a dwarf, and pulled off the feminine version of tall and willowy very well. I got to meet her father as well, and he was nice enough to take the both of us out to Denny’s; funnily enough, prior to the actual trip, I was wholly resistant to eating at that restaurant for a reason that I can’t quite remember at the moment. But when it was the only restaurant open, I forgot the joke and went to eat with them there. Surprisingly the food was excellent, though arguably I would’ve eaten anything at that point had it been provided for me. I was running three hours ahead of Seattle time, so after the meal we went back to her father’s apartment, and I was more than ready to fall asleep, face first, on the comfortable mattress on the floor. We were both brimming with excitement, since what we would be doing for the next few days together was going to an anime convention together. We’re both pretty big fans of it, so we had such a great time going around, being silly, and geeking out about anime for the greater part of most days. Most of all, I just loved being with her. I was right when I fell into friendship with her; we have such an easy time in each other’s company. We share so many interests, and have a lot to teach one another, that we could definitely spend entire days together and never get bored. Even when we spent entire days together at the convention, we would find more and more to talk about, watch, and exchange at the nights back at her father’s apartment. I feel like she’s the kind of friend that will always be there, even if we somehow manage to lose contact. We’ll pick things up again, like nothing ever happened. Though some of our views are different, we have never let that come between us. I love my Rochelle,  and I miss being out in Seattle. It seemed like a more Asian version of Boston, though because of the anime convention being in just one place I didn’t get to explore the city just as much as I may have wanted to – but that’ll change. If I have any say in it, anyway. Rochelle and I are closer every time we see each other, and the next time I go out there I would love to just spend a week in her company. I would love for her to meet my family, but at the time it doesn’t seem possible – but who knows? She’s intelligent, talented, and yet still learning about everything she has to offer.

The best parts of my trips are the people they center around; they are some of the best people I have ever known. I am lucky to have all of them so close to me, though we are so far away in actuality.

Florida (as a child, probably about five or six years of age)

I remember the first time I flew on an airplane; the concept of the plane actually going up into the sky, like a bird, was completely inconceivable to me. I remember holding my breath as the plane went up into the sky. I couldn’t stop looking out the window with my brother and father beside me, marveling at all the clouds around the plane. It was almost like the plane was swimming in a cool white ocean. The experience of popping my ears because of the difference of pressure once the airplane went up was a chance to learn a new technique that I always use. In fact, now that I’ve grown to adulthood, one of the most familiar parts of the ritual of air travel is swallowing to pop my ears and make it comfortable to function en route to my destination.

When we arrived in Florida, it was oppressively hot. I don’t remember much, because at the very oldest I was about five years old. I remember wanting to stay in air-conditioned places and in the hotel room because I could almost feel the moisture come off me in clumps. I would breathe, and my body would feel the pain of having to sweat so much and take in so much nourishment to compensate. I couldn’t imagine living in that heat constantly; it would seem like such a chore to endeavor to stay whore, healthy, and perpetually functional.

We went on rides, and I could almost forget the oppressive humidity after a while, so long as I was plied with drinks. I remember losing my hat on a ride, much to my father’s anger and disappointment. Without much protest, he bought me a new one, and made me feel a little daft by forcing me to put my name on the underside of the brim so I wouldn’t lose it, in big black permanent marker block letters.

We got into a small car accident, and I remember the car actually rolling into a ditch, though thank god it didn’t roll over. I remember my father turning towards me and my brother, though my brother was right next to him, and for the first time in my life I saw him sincerely distressed. His voice as he said, “Are you guys alright?” was something I’d never heard unless he was disappointed with one of us for making a decision that he saw as a mistake. I remember that voice whenever I performed badly, when my brother left the country and slowly made my father understand that he would essentially leave the family for the time being, and when I was diagnosed with severe depression. But I remember that after my father’s mistake in driving, and after all those things that he reprimanded us for, life went on and it found a way.  Otherwise, in the wake of my father’s traffic accident mistake, I might not be here, able to write about so many stories since then and how lucky I’ve been. It was scary, though, at such a young age, and I remember being homesick for the cool Boston that I’d grown to know and love at such a young age. It has been my bassinet in the piecing together of everything I’ve been through since I was five, going on six.

St. Louis, Missouri

This is one of my favorite memories; the plane ride only took two or three hours, but it was one of the longest two hour segments in my life so far. I went from reading whatever book I was chipping away at to listening to my iPod, a recent gift for my twenty second birthday. I made the trip out there to see friends that I had only previously kept contact with through the internet and various other mediums. It was wonderful to finally stand at baggage claim, have the only bag I’d packed for five or six days, and get a call from the guy who it was previously agreed would be picking us up. Pier was ready to pick me and my two friends from Seattle up from the airport – the only problem was that I hadn’t yet seen the two great friends of mine, though I was standing at their baggage claim, and they hadn’t told me what flight they’d be on. They’d given me the impression that their plane might come before mine, so I was definitely worried and frantically calling their phones to tell Pier when they’d be here, and ready to be picked up. Before I knew it, I got a text from Rochelle, saying that she and Annie would be along in just about five minutes. Then I remember pacing, like it’s always been in the family habit to do, when I’m nervous. Then I remember seeing them coming towards their baggage claim, and a sense of elation and disbelief washed over me. I couldn’t believe that we all were going to see each other – at once. I had brought things for each of them; I bought one of them an origami set, and the other a book on how to play mahjong and tiny mahjong set. I remember giving Pier a couple books I had painstakingly picked out in a favorite bookshop in Northampton. I gave Shanna, an old friend of my last ex-boyfriend to whom I had grown closer, a couple books that I had intended for my own collection but gave willingly to her as I knew she would give them an excellent home.

After we finally all found each other at Stan’s house, it was overwhelmingly surreal. We talked, caught up, and got comfortable in each other’s presence. Stan’s sister had made a wonderful dinner – much more than even I could eat in one sitting. The weekend was such a treat; we all took care of each other in terms of groceries, and there was never any shortage of food. Or alcohol, for that matter. I had had a bad week just before I went on this trip, so I indulged myself a lot with the alcohol. I would drink with dinner, but one strong rum and coke would become two, three, and four of them when I started to loosen up and relax completely. I probably wouldn’t have had a good time without the alcohol, because I’m naturally quite shy and nervous in front of people that I don’t know very well. The alcohol definitely helped me open up more easily, and I had a better time because of it even if I embarrassed myself more than a few times. But what a weekend – sex, alcohol, friends – what more can anyone ask for? We were all happy enough just hanging out together; I think our only outing was to the tattoo parlor where Stan works. Stan was nice enough to set us all up with free ink, and we all got a little tattoo of a raven on various parts of our bodies. Thankfully I got one on my thigh, under my clothes, and I got an adrenaline high from the pain of the needle. I’ve come a long way – I used to be afraid of needles as a child, and now I get a little rush from them. I definitely want another tattoo, but I totally want the perfect design for the inside of my right thigh.

When the weekend was over, I didn’t want the time to pass any faster, so I would never have to go home. I almost cried on that last day in front of everyone, but I managed to hold it in until the flight home. It was one of the best weekends I ever had; I got to see friends that I’d known for years but never met, and we got to be physically close in all the best ways. I never have much physical affection here because of the hang-ups my parents gave me as a child, so it was wonderful to finally open up to the people around me that I knew would never hurt me. I would love to do it all again one day, nestled in between two of my friends on a couch in someone’s garage, or basement, or wherever the next time finances and plans work out so I can see them.

San Francisco, California

This trip was one of the most surreal and strangest that I’ve ever had. I’ve always had an affinity for California, as my father almost moved the entire family out there for a better job opportunity, but unfortunately stayed because he got an even better counter offer here. But I’ve always wanted to move out there myself, someday. The memory of so many Asian families sandwiched comfortably in the world of the West attracted me to the area immediately. Along with the weather, which is famous for not being as harsh as the Boston climate.

I went out to San Francisco in December; a strange month to make the trip for sure, but I figured that if I ever wanted to seriously live out there, I might as well get acquainted with the harsher parts of the weather out there.

I remember sweating in my t-shirt and jeans, not because of the warm weather – it was actually a little nippy and windy – but because of the heavy clothing I’d worn out of Boston and all the time spent I’d just sitting and reading in planes. Also, it was because I was filled with raw excitement at the prospect of standing up and expending energy in several different ways after my long journey. This was after my trip to St. Louis, and this was to see Pier. He picked me up in his truck, and as soon as I got in, he grabbed me around the waist and I could feel his warmth right against me. It was nice to be warm after being shocked by the wind of San Francisco; somehow my brain didn’t register that it would be more windy than it had been back East.

I wanted to clean up and feel like a human being again, so I told him that we’d better get back to the room so I could get out of my clothes. He obliged, and I remember taking off my clothes as I walked through the room to the bathroom. He caught me with his mouth around my neck, and I swear my eyes were rolling up into my head as he bit down. I wasn’t very sure where I was anymore, and that feeling just increased over the course of that night.

We spent the majority of the next morning in bed, watching the news. I remember laughing at his political rage; I never got much of an education in the ways of politics, and any I’ve had is probably indirectly because of him. After the morning, we grabbed some hotel breakfast and drove out to the area where he works – around Sonora. It was beautiful, but windy, and though I felt warm most of the time I had to pull my coat around me when the wind blew so my torso wouldn’t get too cold.

He took me out to Japantown, to his favorite Mexican restaurant, out to a party with some friends of his from another site, and shopping any countless number of places. My favorite part was the gay district, Castro; they had all manner of sex shops that made us laugh.

We’ll always be friends, and we always have been, but several people suggested that he might have some other interest in me. I knew that he didn’t, but I certainly did. He’s a fantastic man, and I’m lucky to have him in any capacity in my life.

San Francisco is still where I’d love to call home, but I think the distance between us has been fully defined. We’re friends, and it doesn’t matter what anybody else sees in him, or what he looks like when he looks at me. There’s no point in embellishing and seeing things that aren’t there again.

Tucson, Arizona

My father once expressed a desire to retire here; I could see why the several times he brought me to Tucson on his business trips. My brother grew to knew Colorado because of his many sojourns there with my father, and now I got the same honor in Tucson with my dad. The heat is almost intangible if you strictly look at the numbers, but when you’re in the midst of it, it seems like nothing compared to Bostonian heat. Floridian heat seemed like hell compared to Tucson, though it saw much higher temperatures than Tampa or Miami had in those days. At any rate, I remember waking up in that air-conditioned Tucson hotel, and waking up to walk out onto the patio so I could finish my latest book. I can’t remember what I read there — I remember some Norse mythology, possibly some Anne Rice and other things that have weaved themselves into my repertoire. But as I read and looked up at the blazing sun in the sky, I would sometimes be graced by the  presence of a small furry creature on the grass outside the patio area.

I think my father was charmed by the heat of the area, because it reminded him so much of India and Bangladesh — the two countries that hold so many memories for him. Somehow, it’s changed, but I knew because of that intimation of what he wanted when he retired that a large part of him felt that he belonged in the East, not in the West with his children who are so much different from him.

My father was never that much of a reader for pleasure, so when he would come home to the room after a day of meetings and networking, I could tell he was bewildered by my choice in books. He got off the topic of what I read on vacation by taking me out to restaurants, out to meet his co-workers, and out to various museums. The best (well, now second best) Spanish/Mexican restaurant I’ve had the pleasure of sampling is right in Tucson; I remember conversing in Spanish with the camarero. It was entertaining, because Spanish is a language that neither of my parents had picked up. So, I could say plenty about my father while he was sitting right across from me. Additionally, the food was fantastic. Just spicy enough, and just authentic enough to satisfy my appetite for what I’d heard about in my Spanish classes from various teachers of Central and South American descent.

Meeting my father’s co-workers, in Tucson anyway, disappointed me a bit. All my life, I’d seen people respect him for his work and express nothing but curiosity at what the children of such a bright man might be up to. I was never the bright one, but people were somehow impressed by me in one way or another, so it made him happy when I was younger. In Tucson, I remember sitting awkwardly with my father and a man he worked with, who was having a few sips of weak beer. He wasn’t anywhere near drunk, which I knew how to look for at that point, but the fact that he was drinking made my highly observant — at least in terms of diet — Muslim father a bit edgy. My father was attempting to talk about botanical gardens, probably in the UK, but that wasn’t what he necessarily said. My father does tend to have a bit of a British Indian accent, so in strict phonetic terms, he said, “botanickal”. I could tell his co-worker was an unsympathetic man, so he was making fun of my father for his pronounciation, and my dad was attempting to laugh at his own mistake. I’d never seen my father so stranded, especially when expressing himself in the company of the people he worked for and who worked for him. He often headed talks when he went away on business, so this experience was a new one.

The two museums he took me there were the museum celebrating the Bio Sphere project — or something along those lines — where a few wily scientists and naturalists tried to live in a contained and self-sufficient bubble. It ultimately failed, but everything was put into a museum to commemorate the project. That one intrigued my father more than me; the one that I really found amazing was the museum with all these old war planes. I knew my father did many things — some of which I still cannot disclose — dealing with air warfare. So it was amazing to interact with his other co-workers, and their families in many cases, and touch these old instruments of war.

I’m proud of what my father does, and proud that he has used it to help his travel so widely, but what he does I could never do. His business is war, though it may be indirect, and it’s not anything I want in the duration of my life. But my father is a great man, and I will never question him for his choices.

Washington D.C.

This was an interesting trip, because instead of flying out to Washington D.C., my father decided to save the company some money and take his daughter for a road trip there. We talked a lot about his family, the two second cousins of his that are at universities in the United States — either teaching or doing post-doc work. Both of them have young families. It was an interesting choice for my father to leave himself no recourse but to open up to me — he was always very emotionally frigid as I got older. But I found that it was enjoyable talking with him about his family, and acting as occasional navigator. I’ve always been better doing the cranial legwork than actually maneuvering a car, though I suppose the latter will come to me in time.

We passed several bridges, and though I’ve lost the pictures over time, the grand scale of a lot of practical architecture has ingrained itself into my brain. I would look out onto the sun gleaming across rivers and bits of the ocean, and my father would tell me stories of his other driving excursions, especially the time when he had to move him and my mother to the United States, with all their things, just after obtaining a Canadian license. Needless to say, my father has mostly been an exemplary driver.

Once we arrived at our destination, I don’t remember much about the hotel. I spent a lot of time by myself, reading as I am wont to do when I’m alone, and going out with him when he came home from work and meetings that he’d endured during the day.  We went out for restaurants that somehow failed to gain a foothold in my memory; the most memorable thing we did was drive around and try to catch a glimpse of all the most important buildings in Washington that would be on television — especially CNN or the like. We saw museums, monuments, and government buildings, but were pressed for want of time to actually go in and take in everything with utmost clarity.

I guess this isn’t a memory of great material importance, but if anything it’s for the memory of being with my father. We were never very close as father and daughter as I grew up, especially as I questioned him staying with my mother, but it was nice to put that aside for this trip and just get to know the person that my father was before marriage and family happened to him. No matter what, I remembered then that he was a great person for bringing up his son and daughter in the best manner possible.

Canada: Ottawa/Toronto

These two cities are full of childhood memories for me; my oldest aunt and her husband have a house in Ottawa, where we would all gather for Canadian family reunions every few years growing up, and where one of my cousins — their children — makes trips with her two kids these days. Toronto is where Rumela, that cousin, lives with those two kids and her husband of Scottish descent. Needless to say, that branch of the family has turned out much differently than their father, my uncle, would’ve liked. But they’re all beautiful, educated, and wealthy — the three cornerstones of Indian happiness. But this isn’t the place for family from whom I’ve grown apart.

Every time I’ve gone to Canada — either city — it’s been during the winter. My father went to get his PhD up there before he met my mother, and I think he misses all the snow they get. Canada obviously receives a lot more snowfall than Boston, and there have been stories in the Canadian extended family about how my matchmaker’s daughter got her boot stuck in a vast pit of snow when she was in middle school or so, and her father made her go back in the dead of night to retrieve it. I guess you could say that Canadian Indian families were as strict as my parents treated their children.

But I never ran into much trouble with the snow. I’ve always woken up in time for the entry into Canada on those long car rides North, and the two things that greeted me out of that slumber were cow manure — there seem to be more farms in Canada — and the sheer volume of snow. It looked like a winter postcard in every frame, and I think that these were the two cities that taught me to love the cold.

Most of the time while I was there, I would catch up with family. I would reconnect with Rumela, who assumed a motherly role amongst all the cousins of her own doing, and her parents. I loved her mother especially because she would spoil us due to her knowledge of our parents’ marital woes. She bought my brother coffee, and me expensive handbags once I reached the age where I would need them. Her kitchen was a bit cramped, but people would file in anyway to help her cook or to talk with her about this or that family.

One year, when I was younger, my cousins took me to this fair, and we came away with stuffed animals, having ridden horses in a pen and petted several farm animals — much to the distaste of my own parents who did not like animals. A few years later, the excursions changed in nature. I was sixteen when I met my family’s matchmaker and assured that I was wholly ugly for any sort of youthful marriage (let’s hope my parents still agree with her, for my sake).

No matter what happened there, I appreciated the beauty of the country around me. I wanted to be closer to the rest of the world, and not necessarily stuck in a country that was ready to declare that it was the best nation in the world. But my parents picked it for a reason, and I remember, with relief, that at least there’s a security checkpoint between marriage and me.

Logan Airport

This is where the majority of my travel has originated; it has changed since I’ve grown, but in the most important ways it has remained the start of everywhere else I go. Since September 2001, just a few days after my birthday, traveling in general has changed irreversibly. When I never had to think about the particulars of what I would be packing, then I had to worry about liquid volumes, and paying for luggage, and making sure I removed my shoes expediently. I worried about race, language when I would talk with my parents at the ticket counter in the native language, or the jokes we often made in poor taste when I was with friends. Now, the airport became a hypersensitive place; I remember one morning when I had woken at three AM from my bed to be at the airport by five or six, and forgotten to take the lotion bottles out of the front of the backpack I used at the time. One member of security was irate enough to pull me over, ask me sternly about the bottles, and ask me if I’d had anything — I could tell he meant drugs or alcohol — that morning. I simply looked at him, and in English that I knew he hadn’t expected to hear from me, told him that I was simply tired from the lack of sleep I’d gotten earlier that morning. I’m thankful I was born in this country, though my skin color has been known to make things difficult. At least my capacity to express myself better than a lot of my non-immigrant stock contemporaries has saved me in several occasions. Everyone is astounded when they learn that my mother has trouble putting together a sentence properly.

Other than the uncovered unsavory aspects of travel I now face, Logan is familiar in all its amenities. I’ve spent so many collective hours reading in a terminal, or staring out those big, grand windows as planes take off from terminals where I will be boarding or other terminals entirely. They might be heading East, on long trans-Atlantic flights; South, so Northern relatives can visit their banjo-toting relatives; or West, so young New England-educated students could attend Californian universities. Logan has always been the essence of coming and going — the sight of relatives, lovers, and friends waving goodbye and kissing them hello has always dominated what I think of Logan.

I’ve spent many late nights and obscenely early mornings at Logan, and I distinctly remember how the sunlight always manages to make an appearance as it peeks through the upper corners of one window or another.

Whether I stay in this part of the country or no, Logan will be the beginnings of travel for me. Logan will hold the honor of teaching me the decreasing importance of physical distance.

18+.

February 10th, 2010 by Athena

I don’t know what to say about this work, aside from the fact that it’s one of my recent favorites written for an old friend of mine. All I guess I can say is that there’s plenty no one knows about me, and there’s plenty no one can ask me about. Only a few know because they’re the same way too. Read at the risk of knowing more than you want to.

~~~~~~~~~~

I shuddered in the cold wind as I lay naked on the grass under the night stars. I would’ve been shivering, but that was the moment when the wolf’s claws closed on my flesh. My torso jumped, not expecting the wild beast to hurt me in that moment, but loving it all the same. He left deep red marks just beneath my breasts, full and round under his tongue. His claws continued to sink into my arms, legs and my back; thankfully, there wasn’t anyone around to hear me scream or to call me perverted for the act I was committing right in the forest, not a fifteen minute walk from where I was staying on the island.

I cried out in anguish and frustration as he tortured my breasts with his long tongue, and my body with his merciless claws. I knew that sex was normally brutal for wolves, and I wanted all of it. I wanted these marks to bleed and scar over in a few days so I could have something to remember. My body writhed as my adrenaline began to flow, and my legs moved apart of their own volition. I was breathing so hard that my ribs were visible when I inhaled, trying to reach for fleeting breaths of air. He bit at my breasts, and my body begged him to stop teasing me. Though the skin of my breasts was dark like the rest of me, he had managed to leave several spots of deep red and brown with his teeth. My nipples hardened as my pussy grew wetter than it already was. My cheeks blushed as I realized that he would take these signs from my body as a signal that I was ready to be fucked.

Raising my hips in anticipation for his long and hard cock, I heard my moans jump a few octaves in pitch when I felt him licking at me. I hadn’t expected it in the least, and I wondered if he’d fucked other depraved women on this island. His tongue was long and textured, so when he licked my clitoris I almost came each time. He hadn’t even licked inside of me before I was thrusting practically into his face. I wanted that first orgasm so badly that I would be willing to do anything to a wild animal.

Before I could coax it from him, I saw that he moved back from me, and I lifted my torso up with great difficulty to see why he moved away from doing such lovely things with his tongue.

I could only lick my lips as I see how large his cock had grown; I looked at the large knot that wolves and dogs have so that the female they’re fucking can’t move away until they’ve come. I wanted it inside me, even though I knew it’d hurt. He growled and grabbed my hair, and I lost my nerve for a fraction of a second until I realized his intentions. He pulled me onto his hard throbbing cock. Then I knew he’d done this with other women on that island where the men are mice. The wolf was merciless in my mouth, fucking my jaw soon after I started sucking him hard. I couldn’t breathe, but my body was prepared as I positioned my head so that he could use my mouth as his own little fucktoy. As I looked up at him, I saw his arms extending behind me, and I soon learned what he was doing with a bout of pain and pleasure. He ripped into my back with all of his claws at once, and I looked like I’d been mauled by a wild animal the morning after. Not that I would complain to anyone that a wolf had given me the best fucking of my life.

I could feel him growing larger in my mouth, and groaned even while he was fucking me. I knew he would come deep in my throat soon enough, but this wolf seemed to know what he was doing, strangely enough. He violently grabbed my hips and moved me into doggy position – fitting, for a wolf. Like the animal he was, he took no time to ease himself in, and made my whole skeleton shake for a brief second with his hard and unforgiving thrusts. The pain took hold before the pleasure; I had to learn to breathe correctly before the pleasure came as a reward. I became slippery against him, and whether he knew it or not, he hit against my favorite spots as he started to thrust harder and harder. My body was becoming dirty with the dirt and grass from the ground, but I couldn’t give a fuck in the dark. I was about to come harder than I ever had in recent memory, and I felt like howling as I did. My body struggled with grabbing his massive cock inside of me as I came, but I had relaxed as he banged me and every bit of my pussy was soaked with his come.

I was his bottom, his wolf-bitch, as he pulled quickly out of me and walked away. I could only fall onto my side, attempting not to hurt myself on the sharp rocks that were scattered on the ground as well. Already I felt the formation of more bruises than I had originally anticipated in the wake of this coupling, but it was all worth it. I was a worthless whore to that wolf, somewhere to deposit his sperm that wouldn’t even take hold and make me his. I was a hole to him, and somehow that turned me on beyond anything I would find back in civilization.

#18/19:

February 4th, 2010 by Athena

“Write about something you really loved, a time when you felt whole and complete in an activity.”

Though my parents instilled in me a love for piano because it became an important outlet for me as a grew up, the activity that was a surprising joy as I improved in it was archery. The last year of gym that I had to take was in my freshman year of high school, and we spent the second half of that year playing games and honing various skills that most of us had never had experience doing. I quickly became enamored with archery once we learned the rudimentary method of shooting an arrow. We learned to watch each other, and to be careful when we raised our bows, whether or not they had an arrow ready to be fired. I was actually startled by the motion of the bow when I first shot an arrow and saw it sink deep into the soft bed of the target. It was surprisingly near the center, and I was encouraged. I learned to tolerate the snap-back of the bow, and would even fall into a sort of trance firing arrows as near the bull’s eye as I could, or even near an arbitrary point on the target itself. I even remember shooting an arrow clean through the center of the target, and taking a few minutes to pray it carefully from the jaws of the soft cloth and stuffing inside of the target without destroying the equipment entirely. I got good and fluid, and even being alert to check for anyone in the path of my arrows became part of the relaxing experience.

It was one of the first times I felt totally comfortable in my body, especially when it came to using my body in a physical act. I was aware of my back, my arms, my wrists with the guard on it so that the bow didn’t leave a bruise on me after many arrows, and the position of my hips and legs. Everything felt streamlined and perfect, and my feet seemed to always know how to compensate for the snapback of the bigger bows, as I got good enough to fool around with the weighted bows. Bending the larger bows was better than lifting weights, as I could feel both sets of muscles on my arm moving concurrently. It was one of the few things we did that year that didn’t make me feel bad about my body, as I had always struggled with my weight due to the situation I faced at home at the time.  I had a good relationship with my gym teacher, and she would let me shoot in the range in the school’s vast backyard as a way to relax. She knew a great deal about my home situation, as my parents’ reputation tended to precede them. But getting to escape out there, especially under the sun with a bow in my hands, was remarkably soothing. It was an instance of controlled violence, I suppose, and I was happy that I could find a way to channel it, something my parents had failed to do. While allowing me a form of exercise, it was a mental release for me as well. That was the first time I ever felt completely comfortable in a physical activity, when I yearned to be doing something with my body and not just with my brain.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Write about a time when I had magical powers.”

This is embarrassing for me, especially as I stare at the topics that I’ve marked in my blog itself. I remember, years ago, but disturbingly not so long ago, in the middle of my dabbling in Pagan ideology, I stumbled onto the idea of otherkin. It was the idea that certain people were imbued with parts of the soul of an animal. Just like many people are inclined to think that they have a certain disease when they read more about it, a series of events and conversations made me believe in a series of moments of insanity that I had a wolf inside of me. I don’t know now how I, when I was nineteen, put together a momentary mental haze and strange acoustics of my parents’ home and jumped to the conclusion that I was doing anything but making a gross exaggeration. I used to think that I craved meat because of this other part of me (not because I’m at all anemic), and that my sex drive skyrocketed around the full moon. That happened because of the nature of my womanly cycles, and the fact that because my body desperately wanted to reproduce at certain ages, my sex drive would keep me up at night. And the staying up all night around the full moon? All that was just a form of forced insomnia. I got a lot of reading done those nights, but they weren’t because of anything special inside of me. It was just the straight refusal to sleep because I was supposed to be doing something wolf-like.

I feel so foolish now, and even more so because I did try to hang onto these silly beliefs for a relatively long time, even though I knew they weren’t true. I’d like to think my case of a period of insanity isn’t as bad as that of those around me at times, but who knows. It was certainly a strange time in my life, for I felt what any degree of faith must be like. I felt sick and, inherently, I knew that I was deluding myself. I just wanted to grasp onto that evidence that came to me and was confirmed to me by people I love so much. But sometimes things are misinterpreted and thought to be something they’re not. I’m certainly wholly embarrassed by this little escapade, though it was nice feeling like I could do things and had something else living inside me. But I put it all in my head because I wanted to feel special – I supposed it’s the privilege of inexperienced youth to do so. But thankfully, I regained what sanity I had lost in declaring that part of myself was a wolf. And what was I thinking, anyway? To believe that sincerely I would’ve had to believe in reincarnation, which I think is just wishful thinking.

It did make for good writing, and conversation – especially when one of my best skeptical friends had a dream along the lines of what I discussed with my temporarily insane bout with lycanthropy. It was nice to have an excuse to talk more with him, and to both come out of strange experiences knowing that people can always trick themselves with their own thoughts. It’s always a scary thought, the idea that you can be your own worst enemy when it comes to perception. But all you can do is look at things objectively as possible when you’re going through them, and try to separate faith from undeniable logic and reason.

#17: Spiritual Experiences.

February 4th, 2010 by Athena

I’ve never been particularly spiritual; my parents exposed me to their religion, and because I was expected to adhere to Islam for a few years, I spent more than a few Sundays on the floor in a mosque. I learned how to pray and my parents would often drill me on surahs from the Qur’an. I learned a minimal amount of Arabic so I could talk from the back of my throat, but after I wasn’t expected to make the commitment, I made a special effort to forget the  sounds that came out of my mouth at the expense of a lot of spit from my throat. I never felt any god, never felt any connection as I lay there in submission to what my parents told me. I only did it because my parents were overly strict, and I feared them as a child. I didn’t want something as silly as going somewhere once a week and paying lip service to what they believed, to complicate the already difficult relationship with them. As soon as I could, I stopped going to mosque. My father would put religious books in my room and in front of me, but I strayed far from the religious background from where I came.

However, two ‘strange’ experiences I heard about as a child could be categorized as spiritual experiences. The first happened before I was old enough to understand it was even occurring. After my grandmother passed away, my aunt who had told the doctors to pull the plug was consumed by guilt and grief – possibly more so than her sisters or any of the grandchildren that had been left behind. After the funeral and burial, she was apparently so grief-stricken that she went out to the graveyard and cried on top of the grave, barefoot according to Muslim tradition, and didn’t move for at least a few days. She slept on top of the grave when she got tired of crying, and when she woke she would start crying again. My aunt was almost trying to sleep in the same bed with her mother just as she had done before she had married, back in Bangladesh, but suddenly realizing that her mother was gone from her forever. It tore her apart, until one morning something strange happened. My aunt looked up from the grave after a night of crying herself to sleep, and she saw a plethora of birds, specifically doves if I recall. Though they are the bird of peace, they were also my grandmother’s favorite bird. When she first ate on paper plates in America, my grandmother remarked at the wastefulness of Americans, that they would have paper plates that they would use once and then throw away, contributing to the amount of refuse deposited in their trashcans. My grandmother, instead of throwing the paper plate away after the meal, used a bit of artistic creativity that seems to have come down our family on both sides. She drew a dove in the middle, a beautiful sweeping portrayal of the bird, and signed my oldest cousin’s name on the rim of the plate, dating it. I’ve never actually seen it, since it’s one of that cousin’s most prized possessions, especially since she has many vivid memories of our grandmother. Coincidentally, those birds gathered all around my aunt as she lay on the grave. They gathered at the head of the grave and around my aunt, almost protectively. Then, almost a quarter of a second later, they all fly away simultaneously.

That was enough to give my favorite aunt the strength to stand up, reasoning in her mind that her mother wouldn’t have wanted her to stop living just so she could grieve for such a long time. My aunt Molly had a prosperous life with money, successful children, and a wonderful social reputation. She was masterful at keeping a good home, and people loved her for it, as well as the fact that her husband constantly adored her and treated her well – a fact that made many people jealous. So she went home, living life for her mother. Each year when I was with my parents, she was the first to call on every death anniversary. She was the first to make sure we were all alright.

The second experience is less happy; when I was applying to college, I remember filling out my MIT application and asking my mother about people who attended MIT in our family. The mention of one of my mother’s cousin’s daughters came up for the first time. She lived somewhere out West, and her father was either an MIT professor or a successful doctor. In any case, they were an educated family and the mother was proud of her husband and her young daughter. Apparently, at one point the mother said to the daughter, “I feel like I have to go back to Bangladesh. I’m getting old; I should do it before too much longer.” And with the caprice of a rich family, she booked a cruise that would stick around Bangladesh so she could see the homeland of her youth.

It affected my mother and, abruptly, myself when the cruise ship went down, and there were no survivors. It was an unfortunately common occurrence and risk in the oceans in that part of the world, but we never expected to know someone that died in one of those accidents.

We got phone calls from the remaining members of their family as they grieved, and I remember talking with my mother’s cousin’s daughter on at least one occasion about how she was doing. It was honestly odd for me; I’d never met this cousin of my mother’s, for she had many in vastly differing countries. But it affected my view on religion.

I kept thinking, Did she know she was going there to die? Did she not want to say goodbye to her daughter, because her daughter would find some way for her not to go to her death? I imagined that we might all have some sort of gravity, something that pulls us towards the things we’re supposed to do. I didn’t know if it was god or not, at the time anyway. I became Agnostic for many years.

But as I grew, I came to realize that people tell themselves these things in times of grief because it makes them feel better. It makes them feel like death is not a senseless event. It’s the rationalization of their passing if you suppose that they knew they were going to die soon, and they just wanted to see their childhood home before they finally passed. We don’t want to imagine that life might be incomplete or unfulfilled, because we don’t want to die without having done all the things we first set out to do in the bloom of life. But it is. Life only has a meaning if we give it one – and death is the same way.

This is apparent to me now that I’m an atheist, and have made a decision as to the existence of god(s). The extent of spirituality I experience nowadays is the witnessing of beauty. Walking on a bright spring day, viewing beautiful works of art, and walking into a beautiful building are all evidence of the divine. They also show me that the divine comes from coincidence and from us. We are capable of great things, and we should acknowledge this rather than attributing them to some higher power. We should recognize that we are strong in the face of nonsensical life and death.

#16: Death.

February 2nd, 2010 by Athena

The first time I encountered death I was ten years old. My parents had forbidden all pets in the house except for my brother’s fish, which as far as I was concerned at that age were living in retirement homes when I grew as large as my brother in age. But the first time I learned what death was occurred when my grandfather died. Indians, especially those who have lived most of their lives in that part of the world, don’t have a tendency to live long and eternally active lives. Even my oldest uncle, though he is likely to outlive my grandfather, has had a colostomy bag for many memories that exist of him in my head. We eat, are not active because it never occurs to our older generations once they see what a life of sedentary academia can do for your social status, and languish in our health problems. My grandfather had long been sick by the time I got to meet him; I heard the words Alzheimer’s, cancer, and head injury many times in conversations about him. He was a great man, and though he adhered to many ideas from Islam about women, he loved my grandmother so much that when she got sick with renal disease and had to come to the United States with the aid of her children for dialysis, he followed her. He bought a house with her, and took care of her. I barely remember that house, and it makes me sad that I have no memory of her and apparently was her favorite grandchild. I was always welcome there, and I regret that ten years later the kidney disease finally forced my middle aunt to pull the plug on my grandmother’s machines. I often let myself wonder what life would have been like if she was alive today.

Regardless, my grandfather went back to Dhaka then, selling his house and mourning his wife. His children had lives of their own here, and he didn’t want to intrude. He wanted to finish out his life in peace, hopefully of natural causes and see his wife again then.

However, it was years later when my grandfather came back with health issues of his own; apparently someone had hit him on the back of the head when he was walking home out of nowhere. My grandfather was generally well-liked, but this is poor Dhaka we’re talking about. There was reportedly internal bleeding when he finally was found and taken to the doctor’s, and this affected him for years afterwards. I remember when he came back to the United States, and when he got his own apartment. I was small, but big enough to sit beside him and understand that he didn’t know who I was most of the time. Sometimes he would call me by my mother’s name, sometimes one of my aunts, and there were rare days when he would remember where he was and that I was his slightly grown granddaughter. He was a brilliant man; he showed me reproductions of Darwin’s drawings of the Descent of Man that he did himself. Apparently, my family has a tradition for art and writing. Though I cannot read the Bengali, my grandfather had a book of poems that he had had published. He didn’t become famous, but as for all writers, I can only imagine what it had been for him when he finally published.

Even as he sat there, clear and concise in every explanation he gave and every story he told, I understood that he was not strong anymore. I understood that something was going to happen to him, and as I saw my brother inheriting my grandfather’s large library of photocopied and bootlegged books, I figured out what. He died, with all his daughters and sons-in-law with him. None of the cousins were allowed in when they supposed it would be his time to go, and my grandfather’s only son was absent – a family history I would learn about only much later.

I wish I had better memories of him. He was a great man, educated even though he was from a tiny country that fought tooth and nail for its independence, and I wish I could’ve known him before the long process of dying took his presence from me.

The day of the funeral, I couldn’t cry. I almost refused to believe that the disjointed and hazy conversations I’d had with him were the last things I would ever have with him. Muslim funerals are full of the crying, and I felt out of place. I was mourning my grandfather, but I could not bear to express it. At the far end of the room where there were throngs of mourners, I saw what I could only assume was his body. It was wrapped only in a white sheet, as is the Islamic tradition, and he was put into the cold ground that way. I wish I could’ve seen him one last time, but at the same time I’m glad that all I know is that he’s resting now in a plot next to his wife. There are always flowers on their graves, and their tombstones, both erected a year later on their first death anniversaries, bear poems that seek to express the grief the family they left felt in losing them. I wasn’t able to cry until a week after the funeral, when I was finally alone in the safety of my homework in the family computer room. It was like the breaking of a storm that the dry, exhausted earth needed. Since then, I have learned that grief comes when it comes, and it is one of the most painful parts about dying for those who still live.

I was lucky not to lose anyone that I knew until a while after I met my current roommate, Jean. I had met her Grandma Bunny soon after becoming close with her, and she cannot be described as anything but a hell of a woman. She had won an Emmy for her work in Television, and she was a devout Atheist. Bunny was one of those women that was a pistol, and that encompassed everything she did. She became a producer by asking questions incessantly, and she was the dominant one in her marriage to Jean’s Grandpa Arnold, who died long before I met Jean. She was a typical Jewish woman in her need to be on top, which I could understand with my being a Muslim-raised woman who needed to prove the men around her wrong. I liked Bunny instantly, and I still remember the day when Jean got a call about her grandmother in the hospital, and how she was not likely to leave it. I remember both of us sighing as I read to Jean the book that Bunny had written and self-published about her familial and personal memoirs. It was that day that I realized that even the loss of someone who had lived a full and happy life was painful. People who truly shine, no matter how many years they have done so for, are few and far between. I know I mourned her, though I had only briefly known the person that Jean loved so much. For the first time since I was little, I covered my head in the Muslim tradition and cried like a baby all throughout the service. I was glad that she had lived such a life, but I wish there could be more. I found myself thinking, We humans live lives that are much too short.

Before the singular deaths in my life, I guess you could say that I became familiar with death and dying once I decided I wanted to be a doctor and took a few important classes in my high school years. I remember telling my cousin and favorite uncle about my aspirations, and I heard at least a few conversations between them and perhaps some other colleagues of theirs about losing patients on table. Losing a patient was inevitable, most of them agreed, but one that you tried to stave off for as long as physically possible. Death was what most doctors wanted to prevent, though it was the truth that we all must die someday. I felt, and still feel to a large extent, that while death of a patient for whom I was caring would affect me, but I would also think of the other patients that could benefit from my expertise – if I should happen to get what I want in life. I would like to think that I would overcome the thing that had happened and find ways to regain confidence in myself, and know that making a mistake was part of being human. Doctors decided to become them because they wanted to connect with people by taking care of them, right? They don’t mean to become machines after their long years of training.

I took a class in Physiology my junior year of high school, and the prospect of dissecting something more than a scrawny frog, or an earthworm, was thrilling to me. Amongst the eyes, organs, and brains we had the opportunity to poke at, I most favored and still remember the fetal pigs we took apart. They had been harvested from a large sow that would be used as meat for food somewhere in the world, and these pigs had never taken their first breaths of life. I remember holding one as I was giving it its bath after our lab for that class period, and looking into its eyes. They were glassy and did not plead or seem to emote anger with me for taking it from its mother and cutting it up. There had not been the chance for death nor life to come into the realm of this creature. Not life as we knew it, anyway – it had only known the reception of nutrients from its mother before the abortion of all of them was induced or forced. As much as I loved the dissection, I had to envy these pigs, for they knew nothing about what they had missed, at least what they would have missed if they had been allowed to be born into a life of freedom and not eventually be used for food. I am a dedicated meat eater, but in that moment I became aware that everything suffered, whether it was aware of it or not.

Dissection came after I volunteered in a nursing home my freshman and sophomore years of high school. It had been a voluntary gig that my mother had found out about, and I was happy to take my mother’s suggestion. I played piano for the residents, served them food, and talked to them whenever I had the chance. Sometimes I would even organize religious services for them, which always made me kind of uncomfortable at the time, because I was agnostic then. But it was part of the job – which eventually paid quite well. What I loved most about the job was the opportunity to talk with people whose families were mostly all in the United States. I remember thinking, If you had been born white, this is very likely something like what your grandparents would be like. You might’ve even gotten to know one or both of them. This was the reason I loved hearing about all of their stories. It’s the reason I love listening to all the stories that older people, especially the dying, have to offer.

There were wealthy people there who had legacies of money to tell me about, there were men to tell me about their experiences with war, and there were women to ask me about what my family was like, since they easily saw that I was so different from them – not only in age, but appearance. I told them about my family background, my heritage, and my own grandparents.

In many cases, I watched as announcements were made about certain residents’ deaths. I remembered some of the dead, and I felt bad for their passing and also because I could not cry for their passing. I have always been the kind of person who could not cry hard for their work, since I have learned from my father to distance myself from that which I get paid to do. But I’m more tender than my father, and I would often care for my favorite residents as I imagined I might be able to care for my own ailing parents when the time comes one day. I often listened to them, and tried to be as patient with them as possible when I had had a long day at school, or had a pile of work waiting for me.

I knew death was merciless, and as a distant relative that I had known had passed away in those years, I wanted to give them the nicest social interaction if that was going to be their last.

One of my mother’s cousins had a husband and daughter, both MIT educated and bright as the stock from which they came. The mother turned to the daughter in a conversation they must’ve been having, and said, “You know, I feel like I have to go back to Bangladesh for a reason. I’m getting old; I’d better do it now before too much time passes.”

That was one of the last things her daughter heard from her mother, because when the cruise ship that bore her mother for a cruise in the waters around Bangladesh sank, everyone was lost. Suddenly, and almost as if she had felt it was time to die in feeling that she needed to go back to my maternal line’s ancestral country, she was dead. Phone calls were made in grief, and I remember talking to my mother about how death can come at any time. Death is not merciful, as we humans have the capacity to be. It makes you question, as it made me agnostic after the event, and it makes you fall apart at the seams in its contemplation.